Healing After Miscarriage: Rituals, Grief, and Spiritual Meaning
When my daughter was 16 months old, I unexpectedly found myself pregnant (I had made love around day five or six of my cycle and somehow this led to a conception!). And yet, when we found out, my husband and I were a full yes. We put plans into motion to welcome this being.
Although it was not what I would have planned, I completely surrendered myself to a higher plan.
Over the two months I was pregnant, I told my family and a small group of women in my community. I was overwhelmed taking care of a toddler just starting to walk, and I was still breastfeeding, but I was excited to welcome this soul. I felt a “she” energy, though we never officially found out. If the pregnancy had continued, my daughters would have been almost exactly two years apart, with very similar due dates in March.
The possibility of raising two kids began a search for a bigger home. We were in a 1 bedroom downstairs apartment of a house, and were already feeling cramped with 3 of us. I had always wanted to own a home, and the pregnancy was the impetus for me to take steps to finally make it happen.
Then around seven weeks, some light bleeding started.
The Waiting and Uncertainty
One of the hardest parts of miscarriage can be the waiting.
The not knowing.
You may notice bleeding or cramping and wonder, “Is this normal? Is this the beginning of a miscarriage? Is my baby still okay?”
It’s a time of being in the unknown. To simply be present in the moment.
When my bleeding began, I said a prayer:
“Please God, align me with whatever would be in the highest and best good for all — for myself, my husband, and our daughter.”
I made an appointment with a doctor. She did an ultrasound and let me know there were two yolk sacs, which meant twins.
One appeared more viable than the other, but it was still too early to definitively detect a heartbeat. There was a possibility that one pregnancy could continue while the other did not. There was also a possibility that the bleeding would subside and everything would continue normally.
We would need to wait two more weeks to understand what was unfolding.
What Miscarriage Feels Like (What lt Felt Like for Me)
If you are searching “what does miscarriage feel like,” the truth is that it can feel different for every woman.
Miscarriage may involve spotting, heavier bleeding, cramping, fluid, or passing tissue, and sometimes there is no pain at all. If you are bleeding in pregnancy, have severe pain, dizziness, fever, or heavy bleeding, it is important to contact your doctor or midwife right away. ACOG names vaginal spotting or bleeding, pain, a gush of fluid, and passage of tissue as signs that may accompany early pregnancy loss.
The next day, my husband and I had a meeting with the advisors who were helping us put all the financial documents in place for our loan to buy a home. We had begun looking at houses and were putting the pieces in place to make this dream a reality.
It was during that video call that I felt a more significant release of blood in my underwear. I went to the bathroom, and I just knew. This was my body releasing the pregnancy.
We finished the call, I started a bath, and my husband joined me. We meditated and connected with the spirit of the child. We received the message that the circumstances were not ideal for her to incarnate at this time. Maybe the circumstances weren’t right (with two yolk sacs in the womb) or maybe the soul knew we were not quite ready with our first child still just being 1 year old.
I spent the next hour or two between the bath and the toilet. The miscarriage itself was fairly painless. My body continued to bleed for about a week. I needed a lot of sleep. Emotionally, I felt surprisingly at peace.
This is not every woman’s experience. For some, miscarriage is physically painful, emotionally devastating, or both. For others, there may be relief, numbness, confusion, surrender, or a grief that comes later. There is no correct way to feel.
Spiritual Meaning After Miscarriage
I collected as much blood and tissue as I could in a bowl. Some went down the toilet and some down the bath drain, (and I forgave myself for that).
With the bowl I had collected, I dug a hole in my backyard and offered it to the Earth next to one of my favorite rose bushes. It became a sacred place to return to, to remember the spirit of this child.
I journaled and spoke to the soul of the child, and I uncovered more meaning in her conception. I believe this soul helped put the pieces into motion to buy our first home.
The miscarriage began while we were on the phone with our financial advisors, preparing the final pieces for the loan. I would not have had the courage to ask for help in all the ways I did unless I know it was for my children. It was almost as if she knew she had served her purpose and now could leave.
The body is wise. Sometimes conditions are not physically right in the womb, and a release happens. Sometimes conditions are not spiritually right for a soul to incarnate at that time, and a release happens. Sometimes the soul fulfills a purpose even before being born.
This kind of meaning-making is not meant to bypass grief. It is a way of listening gently for what the experience may have opened, taught, or changed.
A Ritual After Miscarriage
You can do this ritual alone, or you can be witnessed by the father, a partner, or close friends.
Begin by journaling. Feel your heart. Reflect on all that was lost. Sometimes the hardest part about grief is letting go of the imagined future: the due date, the name, the sibling relationship, the life you had already begun to dream.
Allow yourself to feel this. Allow yourself to begin to let it go.
Consider planting one of your favorite plants to honor the soul that was lost. Take time to speak to the soul of the child. Share your heart with them. Reflect on any spiritual or karmic lessons that were learned through the experience, and speak these out loud. Share your appreciation.
Ask God, the Divine, your angels, or your guides to support you in the release of this soul, in your grief, and in the healing of your heart.
If you collected blood or tissue from the release, you can place that at the bottom of the hole. If this is for a miscarriage from the past, consider writing words of love or a poem on biodegradable paper and burying that instead.
Then plant your plant.
Visit it. Water it. Let it become a place you return to when you need to feel your grief, hear the whispers of the soul of this child, remember them, and honor what could have been.
Remember that this soul is now feeding new life, right here in your garden.
If You Are in the Midst of It
If you are on the edge, starting to bleed, and unsure if a miscarriage will happen, you may like to pray:
“God, Great Spirit, please align us with the highest and best good. If it is in the highest and best good for this spirit to continue and be born into life with our family, please allow it to be so. If it is not in the highest and best good, or the conditions of this body or circumstances are no longer aligned, please support us in the release, surrender, and letting go.”
Feel your emotions. Feel your pain. Let yourself be supported.
There are many forces at work that bring a life into form: karma, divine timing, physical conditions, spiritual lessons, and the mystery we may never fully understand.
Resources for Pregnancy Loss Support
If you need support after miscarriage, preterm labor, stillbirth, or infant loss, you do not have to move through this alone.
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support - Provides grief support groups, resources, and remembrance ceremonies for those who have lost a baby. You can reach them directly at (1-800-821-6819).
Postpartum Support International - Offers support for the emotional and psychological impacts of pregnancy and infant loss, including access to trained counselors. You can reach them directly at (1-800-944-4773).
Compassionate Friends - Provides personalized comfort and support for the entire family through online and local groups and will also send grief resource materials to your home. You can reach them directly at (1-877-969-0010).
Miscarriage invites us to remember that we are not fully in control. And yet, even in the release, we can create ritual. We can honor the soul. We can ask for meaning. We can let grief move through the body and return our love to the Earth.
With love,
Meredith
