The Power of Circle (plus More Reflections on New Motherhood)

This has been my first month with a few days a week of childcare since my baby was born, and I’ve now had the breathing room to really recognize the huge life transformation I just went through.

I think what I’m learning is that I couldn’t really prepare for or know what I would need until I was in it.

One of the things I learned was that I actually needed a lot more support than I was giving to myself.

There were really hard days, especially in that 3-6 month age where I experienced exhaustion.

The meal train had ended, the postpartum doula visits I had scheduled and paid for while still pregnant were now complete.

But the physical exhaustion, both from carrying this new being all day, and from sleep deprivation, now cumulative, was still very present.

I had days with anxiety, days with new tests and challenges on my relationship, and days where I struggled to cook and feed this new and ravenous appetite from nursing, all the while still figuring out everything for the first time in how to care for this amazing new being.

On most days, I struggled knowing how to ask for help.

Other days, I wasn’t really sure what I needed (a shower probably), and a lot of the time I didn’t even know I was struggling (until I’ve had this time to look back in hindsight).

I knew I longed for a circle of women, a witnessing circle, to simply be and share about this huge transformation, what I was discovering through this time in my life…

But I struggled finding the time or mental clarity to text people to call a circle together and make it happen, let alone stay awake past my daughter’s bed time to participate in it.

Then grief arose about how many women go through big life transitions like this with no marker, no rite of passage, no ritual space or witnessing circle to be seen, no opportunity to really be met and recognized as changed in their community.

It breaks my heart when I think about it.

But some time between the diaper changes and feedings, and around the time I started sleeping more and my daughter turned six months old, I decided the next six months were going to look completely different. They needed to.

I started praying.

I faced old money monsters.

I decided to start receiving A LOT more support.

I asked my husband for some time to myself on the weekends.

We interviewed nannies and found a great fit for someone to care for our daughter three days a week.

I joined a postpartum group and am meeting seasoned moms who have been through all of this before.

And I finally got the circle I was wanting, to be witnessed in sharing about this transformation, especially the hard moments, to be able to let go and begin anew.

In that space my tears were able to flow, what had been lost, how I had been changed, what I was letting go of and what my intentions were moving forward.

It was just 15-20 min of sharing, and I left that circle completely changed, and newly nourished.

I was able to release the grief, to be seen as this new person I am becoming, and feel excited about how I was going to do things differently moving forward.

And I knew in my heart it was exactly perfect to face every single one of those challenges, because it is already informing how I show up in my community, and how I dedicate my life to creating these kinds of nourishing communities for others.

Here are just a few reasons I love being in and creating these kinds of circles…

We are able to show up and be seen and accepted just as we are

We open to deep healing

We become more adept at sharing our truth and using our voice

We witness each other's celebrations and big wins

We witness and love each other through our challenges and setbacks

We feel safe and comfortable - there is space to bring all of ourselves

We are able to step into the feminine aspects of ALLOWING, BEING, and DEEP TRUST

We enter into a universe together where anything is possible

We see the beauty in each other and let it be known

We have the opportunity to better know and step into life as our highest selves

We give space to our deep dreams and visions

There is honestly something so magical about entering into a container with a group of women, especially when that circle continues over an extended period of time.

I’m excited to be bringing together a new constellation of women this winter in circle, after passing through one of the most incredible rites of passage myself, I am stepping up to hold an initiation container for an intimate group of women this year in the 2022-2023 Way of the Priestess program.

I feel deeply dedicated to this work, and to the incredible power of safe space to be witnessed, loved, supported and encouraged just as you are. And it is an honor to know so many of the women I have held space for have now gone on to hold this space for others in circle in their communities.


To join together in beauty, devotion, and service. To say yes to the power of the feminine, to slow down, receive support and be seen and celebrated for all we are….

Priestess: a space-holder, leader, one of highest service to collective awakening, a vessel for the divine, a living embodiment of love

Initiation: a series of ceremonies or rituals marking entrance into a new way of being

If you feel called to an intimate sisterhood like this, I invite you to join us right here.

With love,


Meredith

My Mantra Lately (How to Move Beyond Good and Bad)

My family and I recently went on a trip to the Hawaiian islands. There were amazing moments, like meditating in a sacred Banyan tree at a Hindu temple and dipping in the ocean with my daughter for the first time…

But there were also the harder moments, like needing to start our day at 3 or 4 am with a baby who never got used to the time difference… or changing a very poopy diaper with a squawking baby right at the most sacred moment of sunset when the sun dips beneath the ocean horizon…


It got me thinking about good and bad, and how so often there is challenge within life’s beautiful moments, and silver linings wrapped up in our challenges.

We’ve been conditioned to see the world this way. To avoid and run away from the “bad” and chase and work towards the “good,”

But what really is good and bad? 

I’m reminded of a dharma story of a farmer and his horse.

"One day the farmer’s horse runs away. And his neighbor comes over and says, to commiserate, “I’m so sorry about your horse.” And the farmer says “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?” The neighbor is confused because this is clearly terrible. The horse is the most valuable thing he owns.

But the horse comes back the next day and he brings with him 12 feral horses. The neighbor comes back over to celebrate, “Congratulations on your great fortune!” And the farmer replies again: “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?”

And the next day the farmer’s son is taming one of the wild horses and he’s thrown and breaks his leg. The neighbor comes back over, “I’m so sorry about your son.” The farmer repeats: “Who Knows What’s Good or Bad?”

Sure enough, the next day the army comes through their village and is conscripting able-bodied young men to go and fight in war, but the son is spared because of his broken leg.

And this story can go on and on like that. Good. Bad. Who knows?"  ~ Old Zen story as told by David Allan

After living in three different places in the last two years, I can say that there is good and bad in each of them. 

After accomplishing so many of my big life dreams, like writing and publishing a book, leading an international retreat, planning a wedding, becoming a mother… there was a lot of good and bad wrapped up in each of them! 

I’ve been reflecting that with any decision or life circumstance we meet, there is pretty much guaranteed good and bad. 

It is undeniable that life is both positive and negative.

So I’m choosing to have a new goal - rather than creating the perfect external circumstances, I’ve been asking, "What would it be like to be OK with both the good and the bad?”

To find a state of equanimity, of peace within amidst it all.

I’ve learned by now that the root of suffering is the desire for pleasure and the fear of pain.

We suffer when we are in a constant state of craving for the good and feeling aversion to the bad. 

I was recently reading my friend’s book and really stopped to take in these words:

“Life in a human body is messy. We live in a land of dichotomy. So we will always feel and experience the opposites. We are supposed to. And we need to if we want to have the fullest, richest experience here on Earth. In order to experience the highs, we have to know the lows. In order to understand pleasure, we have to live through pain… I have discovered that true joy is feeling gratitude for being alive even while stuck in a darker state of mind. In this way, happiness may be fleeting, but joy stays.“ ~ Renee Linnell's new book, "Still on Fire"

A mantra arose for me in that moment of reading, that I’ve now been saying every day:

Life is Full with Good and Bad, I’m Choosing to be Grateful for What I Have.

It especially helps in the harder moments. The middle of the night wake ups. Jaw tension and headaches. Physical tiredness, anxiety or overwhelm...

It brings me back to the present. It reminds me I don’t need to be riding the up and down roller coaster of life, but that I can take the seat of a witness. The seat of non attachment, of compassion, and of remembering it is all good, bad, fleeting and impermanent. 

When I say it now, I feel myself soften. I remember the good in my life. I don’t need to run away from it all.

So I wanted to pass it along, in case it may bring some solace to you as well.

With love, 


Meredith

Coming out of the Labyrinth: More Reflections on New Motherhood

A Labyrinth: a complicated irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze.

My baby turned 5 months old this week. I’ve mostly been quiet during this time, only sharing a few photos and moments with the rest of the world. I haven’t felt called to share much until now because of lack of time, and the inability to think clearly because of such an irregular sleep schedule, but also because it has felt like I’ve been in a metamorphosis, and I’ve still been in the cocoon being transformed, not yet ready to spread my wings.

I had a moment around three months postpartum where I started to go back to work. I thought I would only need three months of postpartum time and then I could go back to the regular schedule I had before becoming a mom.

People said 3 months was the end of the 4th trimester, and was about double the amount of time many new moms get off from their jobs.

The only thing was, just as I started to find a rhythm with our night times, Ella began a 3-4 month sleep regression, and my night time wake ups went back to 1-2 hours in the night.

Then the insomnia began.

I would just be drifting off back to sleep when I would be woken up again to care and soothe her. Ella would then fall back asleep, and as I tried to, my mind would begin racing, and I couldn’t.

There were several nights in a row where I laid in bed awake for 4 or more hours at a time, while my baby slept. Sleep deprivation began to compound with anxiety as I wondered how I would manage to get through the next day, especially now that I had calls on the calendar where I was expecting myself to be clear, awake, and ready to hold space for others.

It was too much too soon.

That week I had a call with a friend and mentor. A mother herself, she shared, “You just can’t compare your pre-motherhood self to who you are now. Just as Ella is discovering the world and who she is for the first time, so are you. You’re a different person, and you just can’t compare how things are now to what they were before.”

I had no choice but to surrender.

I blocked off my calendar. I delayed the start date of my next program. I let go of welcoming new clients beyond the ones I was already working with.

And I felt really defeated, and sad.

I am someone who deeply loves my work, and my autonomy as a business owner. There was a part of me that was really ready to go back to it. I wanted to recover that sense of self and identity, beyond being a new mother.

But everything around me was saying, it’s just not yet time.

Months ago I was in a birth class, and our teacher used the metaphor of birth as a labyrinth.

Image source

I pictured myself walking through the maze and meeting my baby at the center, joyfully walking back out and meeting the world.

But it’s been more meandering than that. More confusing. More slow, with unexpected corners and opportunities to turn around and start again.

From the first moment of holding my baby until a few weeks ago, I feel like I was still lost in the center of the labyrinth.

I am just starting to find my way back out, and I am walking out in many ways, a different person.

When I began this journey, I didn’t quite know what I would be leaving behind, or what I would gain.

I remember at the end of our birth class our teacher shared about the Sumerian goddess Inanna, the goddess of love, beauty, fertility, war, and wisdom.

She was considered a Queen of Heaven, but at some point felt a calling to go to the underworld to meet her sister, the Queen of the Underworld.

There were seven gates she had to pass as she journeyed deeper down, and at each gate she needed to leave something behind. Little by little she needed to offer up her crown, her scepter, her breast plate, and on and on until she found herself naked, completely stripped down.

It was then that she was ordered to be killed by Ereshkigal, her sister. She journeyed into the underworld and had to face death… eventually, to be rebirthed.

One of her mystical servants from above went down after she was killed, and was able to bring her back to life. Slowly she regained what she had lost and was rebirthed as the Queen of Heaven, with a completely different perspective.

I didn’t quite know that stepping into that labyrinth I would slowly let go of the things I loved. I didn’t quite know what it would be like to offer up my crown and my scepter - to let go of personal space, alone time, and sleep. To offer up sharing a bed with my partner, my libido, all the money I had saved for maternity leave, my work, and the identity I had formed along with it. To have no energy to see friends, or really to do anything besides sleep, eat, bathe or care for my baby.

It was hard. My ego resisted it.

Until there was nothing I could do but cry for what was lost. Many times I found myself in a state of tiredness, grieving it all.

In one of those hard moments, after texting a few close girlfriends asking for their prayers, I chose to accept what was. I was beginning to see how quickly my daughter was changing, how much she was growing from week to week, and I found it within myself to really let go of what was to embrace the present moment.

It was then that I began to see all that I had gained…

Sharing life with another being, the opportunity to witness her discover the world. The preciousness of how little she is, the sweetness of nighttime cuddles and the joy and love of just being together.

My love for her grew stronger the more present I became.

I began to relish the simple moments of experiencing and discovering the world together, both as new beings…

After a few months of this embrace, I’ve found myself taking my first steps out of the labyrinth.

For a week now we’ve been (mostly) sleeping through the night. I find myself next to my partner in bed again. I’m rediscovering alone time as her naps begin to lengthen.

I’m recommitting to my yoga practice. I’m taking cold plunges and nature walks as much as I have energy for. I’m hiring a nanny to return to this work I love. I’m writing again. We're moving back to familiar lands on the coast of California. We even booked a trip to Hawaii to share with Ella later this Fall.

All the things I know and love are slowly returning. Everything I thought I was giving up forever is coming back, as I walk back out of the labyrinth, out of the underworld of new motherhood.

But it looks and feels different.

Everything is a little shinier as I’m experiencing deeper appreciation, and humility. I see the preciousness of an hour of alone time. I savor the moments of being able to witness someone else’s transformation as I hold space. I feel deep gratitude to have time to reflect on my learnings and write them down. I cherish how I feel after a long nap, or a long stretch of sleep through the night. I hold my beloved close as we lay down to sleep, being fully present to the preciousness of this time together.

There’s not a moment now where I take these things for granted.

I recognize my privilege in even being able to regain some of these lost parts of myself through this journey, and how for so many, so much is lost and not regained. I see the sacrifice so many go through to bring in these little beings. I honor each and every woman and family for it.

And I rest in gratitude for this new chapter. For the year ahead, and all the new discoveries that will be made. For all the unknown corners and opportunities to get lost, to lose and find myself again…

Until my next stretch of alone time…

With love,


Meredith

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Way of the Priestess ~ Begins this December 

Our 10-month online immersion in the Priestess Arts + Women's Circle Facilitation begins December 1, 2022 | View the Updated Dates + Call Times