The first time I was called out on my white privilege I was a freshman in college arriving at my dorm with three roommates, two were non-black POC (People of Color), and one was white.
I had grown up in the suburbs of a predominantly white privileged town outside New York City. Everything was going great together until I bought cleaning products to put in our shared bathroom, assuming we would take turns cleaning the bathroom throughout the year. When deciding where to place the products, I noticed an empty plastic container, put the products in there and went about my day.
When I got home, one of my non-white roommates was furious that I would assume I could take her item (this plastic shower carrier I put the cleaning products in) without asking. I apologized but, really I didn’t understand why her reaction was so strong.
This was the beginning of a split in our friendship. Over the following weeks I heard through my other roommates names she was calling me like “white toast.” I felt hurt. We weren’t able to see eye-to-eye, I didn’t know how to approach her, and didn’t fully understand what was really going on.
Never having been educated about the true horrors of colonization, present-day racism or oppression, I fell into common white fragility reactions: “This is reverse racism, she’s doing to me exactly what she doesn’t want others to do to her. She’s so angry. I don’t know how to take it in. I don’t know what I did so wrong. I feel like she hates me for being me.”
White fragility is a phrase coined by Robin DiAngelo, “a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves.”
I made myself into the victim and sadly, that relationship was never repaired.
It wasn’t until years later I really understood the dynamics of what was happening.
White folks think they can take.
It’s mostly unconscious, but dates back to the colonization of our ancestors. White people came to America and took, and took and took. Whatever concepts of white superiority gave them the idea that this was okay… led to the systems we have today.
This idea of “Taking” happens all the time unconsciously. Because of our privilege and our blindness, it has continued. White people take the best for themselves and leave whatever’s left for everybody else.
Look what has happened in towns and neighborhoods. In real estate. In capitalism. Look what happened with the hoarding when COVID-19 began in the US.
If I could go back in time and relive this situation with my college roommate, knowing what i know now, I would say something like:
Your anger is justified. Thank you for pointing out what was blind to me. I have a lot of privilege and was not aware of the damage of my actions. I see that my assumption to take was rooted in very damaging actions of white colonialism. I’m sorry. I can do better. I’m going to do the inner work. And learn. And change my actions.
I would let her be angry. I would let go of the need for her to like me to feel safe. I would recognize and acknowledge the hurt she has from living in an oppressed society for her entire life.
I would look at the unfairness of my upbringing compared to hers, what was available to me, my parents, my grandparents and my great-grandparents in this country that were not available to hers, simply because she was not born white.
I would also go to white friends to receive support as I began to unpack my internalized racism and white supremacy, rather than expect any space holding from my roommate, a person of color. It’s too much of an emotional burden to expect the people of color around us to educate us.
I am where I am today for being called out for my privilege.
And for having white friends that took it upon themselves to educate themselves and have conversations with me about racism.
And for showing up to do the work of reading books, attending anti-racism workshops and having uncomfortable conversations.
I know there’s a lot of fear of attack for speaking up. A lot of fear in making mistakes. But we can no longer stay silent and uphold these systems that cause millions to live in fear for their lives everyday.
Today I invite you to reflect on your privilege. What have you had access to in your life for simply the color of your skin? What about your ancestors?
In what ways have you acted from white fragility and made yourself the victim when you’re the one being called out?
And in what ways have you unconsciously or consciously taken from Black, Indigenous, People of Color (BIPOC)?
An amazing resource to dive into these questions further is the book, “Me And White Supremacy” by Layla Saad.
